


maybe next time

by fairyshivers



Series: cotton candy queens [1]
Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence, POV Renee Walker, also a little bit of Andrew because i love him, no foxes fic without a little blood am i right?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 18:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8295439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyshivers/pseuds/fairyshivers
Summary: "I'll be good, I'll be good. For all of the times that I never could."





	

When she looks down at her hands, all she can see is the blood running from her knuckles over her fingers. Her whole body is throbbing with pain and exhaustion but she doesn’t care. She’s used to it. The memories are worse.

It’s not the sight of blood itself or the violence. She is used to that too. (Way too used to it.)  
Most times the fighting doesn’t wake any memories at all but there are some days they come so easily and today she feels like being taken apart by them. With her fingers shaking, she tries to remember who she really is.  
The past comes flashing back to her, remembering her of what was done to her. And worse: what she has done.  
Renee never tries to hide her past. (It is a part of her that she could never deny, although she is not at all proud of it.) But on days like this every memory hurts like a bullet wound. On days like this she feels like her past is everything that defines her. She can’t undo it. Can’t run from it. In moments like this she feels like there is a dark cloud above her head, turning every thought into a bad one. She is blaming the people who made her life the way it was and herself for every wrong she did.  
These days are few but they exist and that is enough to make her struggle. However remembering is still important. It is not enough for her to be aware of what lays behind. She has to keep remembering herself what she is capable of.

Andrew already left. They never talk when they fight. Not before and not after they are done. Some times they’ll talk later and other times Renee will ask but never get an answer. 

She allows herself to sit down on the floor. She closes her eyes and collects her thoughts. She can’t change the past but she is a better person now. (Not good - never good enough - but better.)  
She focuses on the important things. On the fact that she can help Andrew with this and all the pain and the memories in the world is worth this. She would give anything she has to save Andrews soul.

She gets up and leaves the court after locking all the doors. She walks back to the fox tower alone in the rain until her knuckles are not hurting anymore because the cold numbs the pain. She walks until her breath has calmed down and her body starts to shiver.

 

Back at the apartment she lets her fingers linger over the door handle for a moment before opening it. Inside the lights are out and everything is quiet. She can see the light shine through under the bedroom door.  
Renee drops her bag near the door and tries to find her way through the dark room to the bathroom without turning the lights on. Her body is already beginning to feel sore.  
Inside the bathroom the neon lights over the sink are dazzling and she has to close her eyes for a moment because the light is so bright it hurts. She looks at herself in the mirror. Her face is a little bit paler than usual and her short hair is a mess. She takes a moment to inspect the extent of her wounds. Most of her injuries will show later - tomorrow most of the red spots on her cheeks and around her eyes will have turned into colorful bruises - but she has a cut over her left eyebrow where Andrew caught her off guard with his first punch and her bottom lip is swollen and red. 

Andrew didn’t caught her off guard as many times as usual tonight but every one of his punches was like being hit by a car. He is always so fast when he’s high but he only punches this hard when he’s really having a hard time.  
Renee doesn’t know what the fighting tonight was about. Sometimes he’s angry or confused or even sad. She only knows that he needs her to help him collect his thoughts in this nights Maybe she’ll talk to him tomorrow and find out what this was about.

The cut isn’t bleeding anymore but there is a little blood on her face and on her shirt and a little bit more on her hands. Her fingers hurt when she stretches them to examine her raw skin. Her knuckles hurt bad but only two or three are actually bleeding. She lets warm water run over her hands and flushes the dirty blood away. Staring into the sink she watches the swirl of red color in the water until it is gone completely. She turns off the water and searches in the cupboard under the sink for a bandage for her hands.

After that is done she goes to the kitchen for some ice. The cut over her eyebrow is starting to bleed again and she hisses a curse while she searches in the freezer for an ice pack. Suddenly the whole room is lit up.  
When she turns around, Allison is standing in the door to the bedroom, arms crossed in front of her chest. The other girl doesn’t ask, she knows where Renee has been and her pretty face is twisted with anger.

„Don’t blame him“, Renee says quietly although she already knows that Allison will and nothing she says can change that. Allison sighs and for a moment Renee can see a spark of some rare emotion in her eyes - something hurting and aching - but it is gone as fast as it came.  
„You’re too good for this world. They don’t deserve you.“ Allisons voice is low and soft. There are not much moments like this. Quiet moments. With only silence and understanding between them.  
„He doesn’t deserve you“, Allison adds and now she doesn’t try to hide her anger. She is mad, but not at Renee. But that doesn’t make it any easier.  
„Don’t say that“, Renee answers quietly. „You know that is not true. I am not any better than he is. And he would never hurt me without my permission.“  
Allison looks like she wants to say something more but then she just turns and closes the bedroom door behind her.

And Renee just stays behind. She doesn’t try to explain anything. That the fighting is her way to really remember her past even if that means struggling. She doesn’t explain how important it is to her to make other people happy even if that means hurting. That she cares about Andrew and that she will try to help him even if that means fighting. And that she will try her best not to get too close to Allison even if that means aching. She presses the ice pack so hard against her knuckles that the pain makes her breathing flat but she doesn’t let go.

She wonders why it is always so hard to make the people you love happy and if she is trying hard enough.

Maybe next time she will try more. Maybe next time she will be better. Maybe some day she will be good.


End file.
